February 10, 2020
Over the last few weeks I've struggled more than usual. It's hard to admit that depression and anxiety are the reasons for your struggle when you're often referred to as "Superman" and people look to you for hope, love, protection, and inspiration.
Over the course of 38 years, closely approaching 39, I've had the opportunity to experience trauma. The type of trauma that wakes you up in the middle of the night sweating profusely, yelling as loud as you can, as if the nightmare you were having was a reality. Some of the nightmares included me reliving my worst experiences when I was in law enforcement, physically and emotionally. Some of the nightmares included me reliving moments in my life when the people who were closest to me, or were supposed to be closest to me, hurt me in ways by physical and emotional abuse, or betrayed my trust. Some might say those can be synonymous. But the nightmares that were more frequent were the ones with my son. There was a time period early on in his life that became a blur to me after he was diagnosed with brain cancer at the age of 5. He's 15 years old now and in remission, but the long term, physical effects from what the radiation and chemotherapy treatments did to him are visible. I watch him struggle with things that he would not have struggled with had he not had to fight that fight and when I fall asleep sometimes my nightmares wake me up hearing his 5 year old voice screaming for me, but I'm unable to reach, protect, or save him.
I've always worked hard to reach others' needs and to be the rock for so many other people in their times of despair, that when I needed help I didn't know how to help myself. So you naturally fall deeper into your own pit of despair, feeling unseen or unheard. I also didn't know how to express what I was feeling for so many reasons.
I found photography and videography in one of my darkest times and it was one of the main things that pulled me out of it. Over the weekend I decided to do one of the things that's still difficult for me...film myself. It was my attempt at some transparency of what I've been feeling, expressing how I've felt in the moments when I just wanted to give up on myself, share some of my own vulnerability that I ask of others, through my real, raw emotions. I wanted that to be the place of vulnerability that I shared.
I know people will interpret the video in their own way, which is what the art of film is supposed to be about. Maybe someone will find the whole thing or one piece relatable. Maybe someone will watch it and find validation and peace in knowing that they're not the only one that feels this way. Either way, my hope is that my vulnerability and transparency heads out into the universe and finds those who need it.
See the video: https://youtu.be/m1Mse4KW9z4